Sometimes we get a little lost in life. Not completely lost…just a little…
I still know who I am…and all that jazz- my testimony is strong and I know what is most important…ie: the gospel, family, etc.
But sometimes there comes a point where you have to wonder… what the heck now? What in the world happens next!?
For example many reach this point when they return home from their mission…their purpose has been taken along with the nametag, their friends are all gone (families who love and feed them, investigators, companions/fellow missionaries, etc) and their daily packed schedule is replaced with an open calendar of nothing…
Yeah if you are an RM you probably know this feeling…
Luckily for me I had school to return to after my mission. As soon as Fall semester rolled around I school provided me with MUCH to do! Many friends and lots of purpose.
Enter turning point of GRADUATION! Dun dun DUN!!!!!
Yeah….
Much like coming home from the mission…
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to keep on keepin on with school to tell you the truth!
Anyway the purpose for this whole tangent is to talk about how sometimes in life you get a little lost…maybe lost isn’t the right term…but for lack of a better word…you know the feeling of ….Hummmm…..well……now what!?
Whats great though is even in the midst of those feelings – is when you receive confirmation (of sorts) that you are at least facing in the correct direction…
Let me explain:
If you asked me a year ago what I wanted to do I would have said “teach drama in HS!”
If you asked me 2 months ago what I wanted to do I would have said, “get the heck out of Utah!”
I even when through a period of….lets call it “detachment”
I get really attached to people!...really! I am SUCH a people person! I LOVE people – I thrive off of being around others! I NEED people in my life!...I went through a point where I felt like I didn’t have any quote-un-quote “close friends”…yes I had my roommates…who are my BEST friends…but with graduation I knew that we were all soon to be pulled apart in our differing directions (grad school, internships, moving away, marriage, etc) and then I saw someone who recently was developing a relationship and I couldn’t help but think, “what the heck?!?...why is it SO EASY for some people!?”
I was at the point where I wanted to be frustrated or depressed about my situation…and the Spirit spoke to me…and told me, “I am helping you be detached, so you can go other places and do other things”
WOW!...”thanks Spirit!” I thought! That’s awesome! I can! I can go and do whatever! And I will! I am getting the heck out of here!
Then I had a month where I was in a bit of a limbo period waiting for efy to start and ½ heartedly looking of jobs and something to do in the fall and spending a LOT of time over at my friends house. What I didn’t think would happen and didn’t realize was happening was I was forming new Attachments! …OOPS! I feel like I undid a little bit of what the Spirit had done for me in helping me be detached and pulling me away from people.
So with these new found best friends of mine and still needing to do something in the fall… I went on to work 5 weeks of efy. These were the best of times and the worst of times….but mostly just the best of times! =)
Now I am in the middle of my preparation week. I have had a bit of a freak out…no no…not freak out….but anxiety….just mild anxiety with the realization that in a week I am leaving the country for a month (which I am SO FREAKING EXCITED about) and I have NOTHING to do when I return!...NOTHING…yeah bad news! HA! And I have realized that my lack of diligence in looking for jobs and etc is to my MAJOR disadvantage!
Today I emailed a lot of cover letters and resumes out to many theatre companies in NYC…a lot! It took a long time…and I am not close to being done….BUT I feel like something was accomplished! Hazaa! Yet that is just one tiny step in this process of searching for something to do.
(word of counsel that I just remembered that I need to type cause I need to be reminded of it…actually it was 2 different words from 2 different people:
#1- there is NEVER enough time or money…go after what you want regardless
#2- go after what you want…then figure it out financially
Okay…cause that is one thing that I start to worry about occasionally)
Here is the thing…remember how I wanted to teach theatre in a high school. Well I have changed my mind. There are many reasons behind this…but its just isn’t what I ultimately want anymore.
What do I REALLY want:
1- I want to CREATE
2- I want to SHARE (teaching/performing)
3- I want to travel
I feel that the way that I am going to be able to reach these desires that I have the best is by teaching at a University level.
1-steady paycheck
2-don’t have to deal with the discipline problems that come along with teenagers
3-more creative freedom!
4-Don’t have to worry about bringing money into the program
5-get more work done
6-get to travel
Even with all of these desires and aspirations I have had some reservations…wondering if maybe I just need to go and do it anyway – just teach at a high school and move up from there.
Am I facing in the right direction…am I lost?...WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!?!?!....valid concern yes?!
I went to a play tonight…it was an adaptation performance of Rappaccini’s Daughter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. They are getting the show ready to bring to the Scotland fringe festival so this was a preview performance. THIS friends is my little (yet big) Ah-Ha moment!
This is the kind of theatre that I LOVE! That I thrive off of….that I want to do and create! This is why I must teach at t University level…and do more than being at a high school! It was a moment of small reassurance for me…that yes still I may not know exactly how to get there…how to reach my big goals…but I am at least facing in the right direction. Even through that direction is pretty broad…its okay…it will come together, and as I continue walking….continue move forward…that direction will narrow and focus in and I will be headed right to my desired destination.
I am really glad that Kyle came to the show with me tonight…and he liked it too! Which I am really glad! It was nice to have a good friend to share this show with, and be able to talk about it after etc.
After I dropped off Kyle I really wanted to call and talk to my best friends about all of these realizations tonight…one is in Logan and who knows where her phone is…another is an efy counselor and is probably making sure that his kids don’t run away or die from poisoning because they keep eating the complimentary bars of soap in the dorms…and the other is in Alabama…so far away!...no phone....sigh!
So I am writing on my blog instead…yay! I am glad that we could have this time together!
I think we're a lot alike Kristy. I hope you take that as a good thing - haha! Reading you blog felt like reading my thoughts in a LOT of ways... perhaps I don't want to teach, but it's the same thoughts in SO many ways - wow!
ReplyDeleteSo, you gave me a little insight to myself- thank you. :)
So, knowing you want to do University level teaching, are you planning to look at going back to school right away or teaching HS first?
*muah*
P.S. Have SO much fun in India!!!
HONEY!...its true I think that we are a lot alike as well!...and that IS a good thing! =) Yes I really do want to go back to school and get my MFA...but its too late to get into a program for the fall - so for now I am looking for internships or some kind of work for a year...and then hopefully find a program to do next year!
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