What I Want

I wish I had a good way to record my thoughts throughout the day…
One thing about traveling alone…I have a lot of time to think!
I have a constant dialogue going on in my head as I have discovered New York City this past week. I am not one to cut off the world by plugging earphones into my head and not being able to hear what is happening around me…I overhear a lot of really great conversations this way!

Tangent:
For example:
Man on the subway trying to get food and money to help people…he did his little spiel (wow that was a hard word to spell haha) and moved onto another train car… after he left a little black boy says to his auntie…”well that was awkward” Really I think that you had to be there and see his face and hear the way that he said it…but it was a great little moment and his auntie and I both busted up laughing.

Tonight on the train I overheard two men talking
1: dude where did you get that phone?
2: I found it
1: and did you report to the police that you found it?
2: no…
1: What?! You kidding me man?...and you call yourself American!

An interesting conversation to overhear…I really respected this guys friend who was trying to teach him what the right thing was…and then how he connected being good and honest to being American. Good on him!

Anyway… let me tell you about today…and then through that we will talk more about what I have been thinking…
This morning I played the “Guessing Game” again…this is where I was…
Photo of me on the Statan Island Ferry

I was encouraged to turn the camera around every so often so we actually have some pictures of me...so here ya go! =)
(photo of the Staten Island Ferry)

I took the Free Ferry out to Staten Island. I took this little boat ride:
#1- cause its free
#2- lack of time
I would have loved to go out to Elis Island, but I didn’t have the time to do so.
#3- the boat goes right past the statue of liberty…see…
(photo of Statue of liberty)

There she is!
I then rushed back to the subway and barley made it in time for my INTERVIEW!!! Say WHAT?!?!?!....yes its true! I got a call yesterday from New York Theatre Workshop (NYTW) and they wanted me to come in today for an interview before I leave for India tomorrow.
The interview was with 3 people. (A 4th joined in for a couple of minutes as well) It went REALLY well I think. They actually don’t even start interviewing for another couple of weeks…so it will be a while till I find anything out from them. But one thing that is cool is they have “history” with the Theater Mitu company and Ruben. So that is a good plus!
Here is the problem with internships….they don’t pay. How do I afford to live in NYC?!!?!? This has been a BIG part of my ongoing dialogue. I have been told by numerous people that I need to move to NYC.

It is usually as they are looking at my application and they hear what I want to do…and then they say, “You need to move to NY”
In the interview…wish I could really lay it all out for you but here is an example of a couple questions they asked:

(I stands for interviewer (any of the 4) and K is me!...I may not answer all of the question here...but I will share some of them)

I: what kind of theatre do you like?
I: why do you want this internship?
I: would you move here? When do you plan on moving here?

I: do you like NYC?
K: yes I like it a lot!
(what I really thought….I think I could like it a lot)
I: that’s the usual response, how long have you been here?
K: 3 days
I: well you survived the first day, so you are good
Along with that some of the questions that they asked me in the interview really sparked a lot of questions:

DO I want to live here?
Do I like it here enough to move here?
How will I pay for rent?...and food?
(I think that even the food is more expensive here than it is in Utah. 4 dollars for a box of wheat thins?...is that right? I swear it is MAYBE only 3 in Utah.)

And then there are all of the little details in moving out here…that I wont get into now.
Am I trying to (for some odd reason) all of a sudden talk myself out of something that I want to do or something that would be really good for me to do?

I think it is a fight between my id and my super ego….or something…?
WHAT DO I WANT?!?!?!?....this is the BIG question!...

WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?!?!?! –MORE THAN ANYTING ELSE?!!?!?

I was reminded of what I really want in the subway today actually… But it has nothing to do with the theatre or my career in the theatre.

BAH! This is a really interesting blog post! I am torn between telling you about my life (what I am doing)…and telling you about my life (what is going on in my head) hahaha…

Okay…so…
On the subway today…I saw this family. (mom dad, 3 boys probably ages 12, 10 and 7 and a grandma) – the conversation above with the little boy that said “that was awkward”…that was this family! Anyway…just seeing them interact with each other, they were having a little water fight while they waited for the train. Cute Cute little 7 year old kept saying…your gonna mess up the place! (by getting water all over) OH MAN! It brought such joy to my heart to see this little family interact with one another! I LOVED it! Made me miss my family…and it made me want my own! It was a good reminder for me…sometimes I get so wrapped up in the world of the theatre and my goals and ambitions for my future. Plus we don’t even need to get into the dating realm of my life talk…cause really its non existent…so as of now the whole marriage and have a family thing is not really an option. So instead I look to things that ARE options for me right now. Things that I can control. Education, Career, etc. And that is what I for now make my plans around…myself.

I really would like to be able to center my life around…well other than me!
I get really attached to people…Really…I think that I may have blogged before about the detachment process that I went through as I was graduating…and then how I ruined it for myself because I got re-attached again…well not necessarily re- attached, but attached all over again to a few people…anyway…oh well if I need to leave them…I can…I guess...not saying that it wouldn't be hard though...

I went to the MET today. I walked in, security checked my bag to see if there was anything that they wanted…luckily they left my Wheat Thins…and then I went to the information desk. Picked up a museum catalogue and tried to decide which entrance to go in…there were probably 4 all leading to various parts of the MET.

Okay now…don’t judge me!

I looked at the map…I looked at the ticket booth…I looked at the map again…all I really wanted to see was the modern art exhibit…I know…I know….I have been told that this is such an amazing museum…but for whatever reason – I just couldn’t do it today.

I walked back out the doors and back into central park. All while I texted my friend saying, “ I need someone to tell me that it is okay to go and wander around central park today instead of going to the MET.” Haha…I didn’t really need a confirmation of my choice…I had already decided cause I was already out of the museum by the time I sent the message. But I asked anyway. Haha

So I went back into central park…to wander and people watch and enjoy my time there. I had a map with me…a Really vague map…and…didn’t know where I was in on that map…haha…I would become oriented ever once in a while and figure out where I was…but for the most part I was just wandering.

At one point (we multiple points this happened) but here is one impaticular point that I came to…
This is a picture that perfectly describes my life right now!

As I stood and looked at the 2 roads I might take I was reminded of a favorite poem
by Robert Frost,

The Road Not Taken:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler,
long I stood And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I— I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Now look at the photo again…do you see my dilemma?! The roads are the SAME!!! Well…They look quite the same!...but they are going in opposite directions…so really they can’t be the same…but in their looks…as far as being more of less traveled…so my dear friend Robert…you were of no help to me this time with your wise words. Thanks anyway.

I picked a path and started walking…now I wish that life were really that simple as taking a stroll through central park…but its not- instead at my life I sit at the cross roads…looking longingly and at times anxiously down each path. Talking to strangers/family/friends/ANY ONE that comes along the way…problem is my family and friends can’t tell me which is better…they know just as much about the paths (or less) than I do…and all of the strangers that might know more information about the paths that I ask are foreign and they don’t speak English!!! BAH!!!!
Interesting thing…after walking for a but I turned and saw this…

now the path that I had picked was to go to the right…once again I just kind of chose one…and now looking back I see 2 paths joining…(I had just come from the one on the left. Could it be that the 2 paths that divided off leading different ways that I mused over before were once again joining here in my walk?!...its possible…I didn’t take the time to find out…but quite possible…now life application:

Maybe it doesn’t so much matter at this point WHICH road I take! – because they will eventually lead you to the same destination!

Its not the path that you take…it’s the taking!

Does that make sense?! Because it makes so much sense to me! Seriously! I have just had a pretty big Ah-Ha! Type revelatory moment! (and this is actually in conjunction with some things that I have been learning and discussing in India… which I will get to later…I know weird…but I am really good at back dating my blog so the post goes on the right day, BUT I DID write most of this post the day after…but needed to finish it so anyway)

I think that at this point it is not so much important which path I take…I can do either…its my choice! Eventually I can still get to my same goal in the end! True the 2 paths are VERY different! One may take longer than the other…both are good…both will give me great experiences and awesome scenery and they will both lead me to the place that I want to go. So I just have to GO!

Do I want to move here? Do I want to teach at a high school for a while? Do I want…X,Y,Z….etc. These are questions that has run through my mind MANY times…every day…and I will have to say that the answer is still…I don’t know…but I guess that for now…its an okay answer to have as I still try to figure things out. So here I sit…musing, deliberating, debating…Soon I will choose…but today… is not that day.

OH!...AND…Along with all of this…my best friend Miriam is moving to ARIZONA! BAH!!!! She got a teaching job…and she will be gone by the time I get back. I am sad…but happy for her at the same time! This is just a little path that is taking her towards her destination! I am proud of her for finding and choosing a path and pray that she will be blessed along the way…she has some GREAT travels ahead of her! And what a blessing she will be to those who she contacts on that path! Good luck honey! I love you and I will miss you! You will have AMAZING adventures (both the hellish and adventures of other assortments!)

For me…Well…I WILL tell you one thing! I was standing in the subway in the middle of underground NYC and I though to myself, “Life would be lonely without the church!” Its true! I am SO glad that I have it in my life! SUCH an INCREDIBLE blessing!